The Great Physician

Counselor; Comforter; Baptizer; Advocate; Strengthener; Sanctifier; Spirit of Christ; Helper. These words describe the Holy spirit, which Jesus sent to earth when he died on the cross and rose three days later. (by the way...I'm reading a new book: The Forgotten God by Francis Chan!)  Jesus even said  "But I tell you the truth, it is to your advantage that I go away; for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you; but if I go, I will send Him to you. And He, when He comes, will convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment" (John 16:7-8). As Chan puts it, Jesus tells us it is actually better to have the Holy Spirit with us than when Jesus himself was walking with people on earth!


all that to say where I am. I started getting on google to figure out what is going on with me and my body. I don't reccommend it! I found all these things that I could have and started self-diagnosing myself! So I made an appointment with a fertility specialist. An experience I never thought I would have! Especially with a three year old on my lap! Well, she started talking procedures, IUI, IVF...and I left very overwhelmed. After a couple of emotional days, I started feeling an urgency to be content with what I have. A husband and an amazing son. I realized that maybe through these months of trying and wishing and praying to have a baby, maybe there were some things I hadn't given all my focus to. aka, not just having a husband, but having a healthy and good marriage, and being the best mom I can be to John Rossy!

I started realizing that there is no rush. I mean it was good to rule out all those syndromes and disorders that I was sure I would be diagnosed with! And I know that there may be some medical things that I need to do to make sure there isn't anything that needs my attention. But, I feel I need to truly trust the great physician. He made me and I trust that He has a plan for me and my family. I need to act or rather not act on that faith. I need to do what I know. Be healthy, physically and spiritually; focus on being a mom to my miracle, and be present in my marriage!
I know that this post is totally scattered. I wish it weren't.  I really do feel contentment in this space. I know this peace and contentment comes from the Holy Spirit. I am excited about acknowledging and inviting the Holy Spirit more into my life.

So, as this week is a week of Thanksgiving...I have plenty to be thankful for. I want to focus on these things. I am even thankful for this struggle. It gives me a new voice. I voice I never thought I would have. But really we all have this voice. A voice of being human. A voice of having emptiness that we are trying to fill. A voice of realizing the blessings that we have been given.

Should have saved that last title!

Whew, whatta week. First of all let me just say...I have the best husband, sister, and family!!! Last thursday, I got to experience pure joy as I took a pregnancy test and it was positive! I was home from work. I called lee and told him I was bringing him lunch! Well he got his silverware out and in the package was a digital preg test that said "pregnant"! He was shocked and excited. He was totally shocked and kinda calm. My reaction on the other hand was a bit hysterical! Laughing out loud and crying tears of joy and crying into the phone to my sis...I'm pregnant. Wow, it felt so good to say that! We enjoyed starting the end of our journey and told everyone in sight! As soon as I woke up Tuesday morning, I felt a little different. Then I started spotting. We met at the dr's office and they told me I had a UTI and their preg test said negative. After looking at the blood test hormone levels, I definately was beginning a pregnancy. It's clear now that I am not pregnant. I feel so blessed because God has given me a peace beyond understanding at this point. I believe He is in control and this is not a mistake. I also feel blessed that this happened so early on and not after I had bonded with a baby growing inside me. John Ross was so proud calling himself a brother! I know he will be one day! I told him mommy's tummy wasn't ready for a baby yet and we would just have to wait for a baby. He doesn't quite understand, but he doesn't need to. He didn't really quite understand the concept of me being pregnant. It feels like we are back to square one...but we so aren't! It is clear Lee and I's faith has grown in leaps through all this! We feel more content than ever with our precious little miricle John Ross. That doesn't mean we won't follow where the Lord leads and keep trying! I know God has great things planned for us!

roller coaster

I've always loved them! Emotional roller coasters...not so much! I think I am going to do it...I think I am going to publish these posts. So, you may want to scroll down and read the other two new posts. There were written months ago and I just saved them. Thinking maybe I would publish them when we were pregnant. To explain all we had been through. But I read a friend's blog and just decided to publish. Maybe it will make me write more and that was the purpose: to be journaling during this time.

Reading my last post reminds me so much of how God is at work. I haven't been on such spiritual mountain tops lately, but I don't think that is because He is not there and speaking to me. I started the school year and got busy, busy, busy. But looking back on this school year so far, I really do think God wants me there everyday. I have several students that weigh on my heart and drive me crazy all at once everyday! One in particular gave me a big hug last month and actually told me "Ms. J, you are like a mom to me". I hugged him so tight and knew that message had not only come from him but from God above!

John Ross continues to amaze Lee and I everyday. We are so thankful for him! He is growing up so much! We can have conversations with him. They usually consists of us answering his million questions of "Why", but they are still great! I am going to say it and knock on wood at the same time...but I think he is officially night potty trained! Man...have I washed A LOT of sheets in the past two and half months! He was doing great, but I was just too lazy to wake him up to go pee in the night. He decided at the beginning of the school year that he didn't like sleeping in his room anymore. So most nights he was peeing in our bed...on me! I pulled his crib mattress down from the attic and he now sleeps on our floor right at the foot of the bed! I take him at least once to the bathroom in the night. And he usually ends up in our bed by the morning. The snuggling years won't last forever, and we are loving them! He tells me daily that "I'm the best ever" and it makes my heart melt!

So, we continue on this journey, trying not to forget in the busyness of life WHO is in control. We try to continually focus on what is really important in this life. And most importantly Try, try to focus on what we DO have and the blessings we have been given! And to enjoy life as us three!

"My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast; I will sing and make music. Awake, my soul! Awake, harp and lyre! I will awaken the dawn. I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples. For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies. Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let your glory be over all the earth. ~Psalm 57: 7-11

My focus

This post was originally written August 8.

I really just can't even explain how much I dislike and love this journey all at the same time. It has sooo many moments of good and then the moments that are not so good, turn good because I have such an amazing and loving and REAL God! I feel like this time has strengthened Lee and I's relationship so much. We have talked more and prayed more together this year than any other year of our marriage! It has also strengthened our family. I mean, we are just soo thankful for the amazing son we already have. He just seems to amazing us everyday. And everyday we are like..."wow, we are so blessed to be his parents!" 
As I was driving to school the other day...(not the morning I was in a rush and got into a finder bender in the gas station parking lot)....(no, another day!) and thinking and praying about wanting to get pregnant and have a baby. All the sudden its like God spoke so clearly to ME! See, that's what I mean about those dark moments that can change to blessed moments because of the King that we serve! I feel like HE told me to really really trust Him. I say that I trust him, but do I really? If you ask something of someone and you trust them, do you constantly think and worry and bug that person about it? No, probably not. I realized that God has me right where I am for a reason. I am not pregnant right now. I am not sick and tired and having to put a lot of focus on growing a baby. So, where does He want my focus. I don't think He has me in this waiting time for no reason and with nothing to do. So what does he want me to be doing and thinking about/ and praying about?  WHO does he want me to be focused on?  As I met all my students last night at Open House, and heard some of their stories, I can only think He wants me able to be there for them 100% when I am at school. I am excited to start a new year. And even though I am disappointed that I am not pregnant I know God has awesome things in store for me.

Journey

This post was originally written in July

Wow, it has been a while since I posted on this blog. I remember starting this blog when I was like 8 weeks pregnant with John Ross!!! I was so excited to have a blog to post precious pictures of my little boy and all (and I mean all) his discoveries! I have been so touched lately following a blog of a friend who just got back from China with her new little girl. After having four biological children (I babysit two of them!) they adopted their fifth child! It was a beautiful journey to read about. It made me feel a part of it and reminded me of just how amazing and glorious our Lord is! And it inspired me to blog again!
 It was like five minutes ago just recently that I realized that I am on a journey also. The journey of growing my family. It happened so quickly with John Ross that I never thought having a baby would become such a journey! I never expected to be on this journey, actually still can't believe it. And I NEVER thought I would be one to share this journey with others and be open about it. But here I am typing. If there is one thing I have learned from The Bachelorette, its that you need to put yourself out there! In all seriousness, the Lord as brought me to a place that I want to be real and open, with myself, with Him, and with others. I want to write this blog because I have been saying to myself for days that I need to start a journal. I know I will love to read my thoughts from during this time. God seems to be speaking so much and sometimes so clearly! As hard as this has been, I have already been blessed by this journey.
We know that our family with be more than three people. Really it already is because Lee and I both have so much love for another child that doesn't even exist yet. We know we will give John Ross a sibling. He is only three but he has the most sweet and amazing little spirt. He really needs a partner or two in crime! ~We also KNOW that God is in control and we are thankful for that. This is where He has us right now and we will be here and wait for his direction.
I don't really know how long this journey has been so far. We've always known we wanted more that one child. There was always that "plan" for our family of four or five. Then there is the how long we were not preventing pregnancy everytime. Then there is the two months of trying. Then there is the months of charting and OPKs and praying. Then there is the doctor visits, waiting rooms, and hormones. so that's where we are. We decided at the beginning of this that we wouldn't go very far into fertility medicines. We would rather put that money into adoption rather than into a procedure that may not work. As we get closer to that next step, it scares me. As much as I HaTed being sick and nauseous and pregnant, there is something magical about it. And birth...that is just awesome! But again...I am brought back to the realization that I really did nothing in the creation of John Ross. That is all God! so I don't know how often I would post about this. I don't even know if I will publish this post? Def, not until I sleep on it. i will go to sleep remebering the sweet words of a song that my good friend Jody pointed me to:

I can't wait for next week!

I love that our beach vacay with family has become a tradition! This will be our third summer going to the same place! This year we will have 4 kiddos altogether! Last summer Cousin D wasn't born yet...and we didn't even know that She was a little girl! I can't wait to see her in all her cute swim suits! John Ross LOVES spending time with his cousins and I LOVE spending time on the beach with my fam! I am so glad Grammy and Uncle Sean are coming this year too!

This is John Ross two summers ago! 11 months old

Last summer...loving the beach! 23 months This is John Ross this past spring break! This is suit for the summer...I love it! I can't believe he is going to be 3 this summer~!

cutest little boy in a tux!

a lot changes in a year!

WOW, just looked back at this post!!! It is amazing how much they can change in a year!!! I totally forgot how precious it was when he signed 'more'!!! I also forgot that loooong phase where he said 'no' to every question, even when he meant yes!!! http://littlejohnross.blogspot.com/2009/03/little-video.html

Just everyday moments!

I was looking through a BuNcH of old pictures and found some that are mostly everyday moments that I thought I would post!

Thanksgiving party at John Ross' preschool! Not thrilled about sitting on Santa's lap!

John Ross and his friend at school~!

Literally didn't even remember where i was...i think it was the transiberian orchestra!

random bathtime mohawk!

Happy Happy boy

which card should i get? We brought 'his' shopping cart to Food Lion with us and he LOVED doing some shopping!

Which kind of cake frosting to get?

Pushing 'Bluey' in his cart

ready to shop!

Because I promised G&G!

Here are some pictures of lately. Starting with Thanksgiving at our house! Enjoy:)

E, Pop, and John Ross Wow, I love this pic! Me, Mom, M

John Ross loving his new niece!

Sisters

Uncle S and John Ross!

John Ross and cousin

My sweet boy

Us

L and John Ross

My sis with baby girl

November

These pictures were taken by my sweet friend and awesome photographer, Lindsey Leland! Check out her website: www.lindseylelandphotography.com And if you are in the Seattle area, book a session!

silly boys us

four and a half years together!

Love

my favorite boys

so precious

Happy boy

fun

peek-a-boo

Best Friends

sweet boys

Our little family!

i love fall.

us!